It's the 15th of March.
And as the clock ticks and the night slips by I'm giving up on my SPF LMS dream.

Yes. I really mean it everytime I say I want to take up the Local Merit Scholarship if possible. (I know everyone thinks I'm just bullshiting, not blaming y'all) Even after the release of our results, I still harboured the thought of trying despite not doing fantastically. I even thought of what I'ld say at an interview to make up for my lack of academic excellence, things I thought reflected my true ideals and passion.

There was this day I was on the MRT, and stood right in front of one of those window ads.
It said:

A hat says a lot about you

And it went on the describe a few hats, like a cap, jester hat etc. The adjacent window displayed an array of Home Team head dresses and the first thought that came to mind was: how come it's all the male head dress! Stereotypes stereotypes! Goodness it's been so long since I felt so strongly about something, all the passion surged back in that instant. I always wanted to do something different with my life. But I can't dance, neither can I act, or at least I've never really had the guts to try it out. But being a police, if anything at all, is one thing I've really wanted to do since Sec 1, when I first saw NPCC and thought it was cool. I never thought 4 years in NP could translate to this, but yes, it only fuelled this dream.

So last Sunday I went on to the Home Team website to check the scholarship out and as I was reading through the requirements I was relatively relieved I met the basic expectations. I understood long ago that I'ld be subjected to a 4-year bond, and it doesn't bother me at all, but as I read on, I won't deny, the 9-months long intensive training really set me back abit. It's been so long since I last had to endure those UG camps, ITC/ATCs etc, and this being 9-months, at the real Home Team Academy, was something, something big! But anw I thought eventually that if I had passion I could get through it all. So, I clicked on an application link.

ALAS this is where my sky crashed down on me.
I was led to the PSC Scholarships site -.-
The LMS is a bloody PSC scholarship.

Well I only plucked up the courage to think about the LMS again after talking to Mr Oh and understanding that scholarships of the like (by that I mean SCDF, SAF and SPF sort y'knw?) has lower academic expectations.
But this being a PSC scholarship says it all. By lower expectations it could be a B or two out of all As? But I'm pretty sure my C will get me nowhere. Thank you very much but I've failed. Failed to set realistic targets and most embarrassingly, failed to sustain my guts to fight it all out regardless of my chances. But honestly, no point anyway right?

Right now I can only look forward, and I promise myself solemly that I will only take up something I genuinely have interest in, cos it WILL drive me to excel in it, and I will NOT settle for a fail, ever. It's no longer math, chem, econs and all those things I've never really been able to do. And with this new beginning, I'm gna change this all, once and for all.

squeaked.
9:39 PM
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