when i never made any decisions, i 没有主见
when i made decisions, i 自作主张

so what am i supposed to do?

yes, i know nobody makes correct decisions everytime. and i do admit that this time, it was my blurness, my fault. this time, it was my fault at not consulting you before making the decision.
but i can swear upon my mousie life that after you made your stand, i hadn't took any stand.
believe it or not.

&&when this all started, it was because you guys never had the people y'all needed. one busy with duties, another busy with CID. okay fine. maybe the continued "help" has brought you or any other person discomfort. my fault. but i have never thought of or attempted to assume any role other than as a temporary aid. nor cross any boundaries. whatever you may think,
believe it all not.

and i still remain steadfast in my viewpoint that everybody makes mistakes. im not shrinking responsibily or anything. but you too have made extravagent mistakes. mistakes way bigger than what i have just committed, or those made by anyone you have ever reprimanded. if right there and then you hadn't changed and instead, tried to defend yourself from what seemed like an unforgivable mistake, i do not think that i am much inspired by you to change. not that i wouldn't correct my mistakes. but i do it not because you suggested i do.

AND i believe it is basic courtesy to say sorry when you have made a mistake. my parents and teachers taught me that since i was a toddler. i believe everyone's did. so i don't see why you should stop me from doing so.

why is it that you can remain 理直气壮 when we told you about your grave mistakes, yet come and enlighten me on my mistake in the same 理直气壮 way. i really don't understand you.

i know i've made my own set of mistakes and had my bads in various ways. the same goes for anyone else. but why is it that you wouldn't listen to us and forever act as if you're always right. i'm sick of listening to other people say this as well. y'know, it ain't the first time. &i don't like it.

yes i know i'm of a lower status than you are. i know i should always be reporting whatever i intend on deciding to you. yes i know i should never 自作主张. yes i know i've not communicated well enough. yes i know. i'm wrong. but why. why do you always only pick on others' mistakes but never your own.

just when i began to change my perception of you.
&think that people out there shouldn't act like your good friends but infact, hate you and discriminate you. oh i'm sorry to enlighten you on this only now. but sadly, your friends were never rly true to you. at least those of whom you reallyreally loved hanging out with. surprised? taken aback? why not reflect.

y'know, right now, i feel utterly stupid. and un-needed. and i have never been more sure than ever that i do not wish to take up __ as my future CCA. if i'm not wrong, a few sessions ago, you commented that i was slacking just because i was doing what i was supposed to, as my title suggests, fulfilling my duties. if doing what i'm required to is slacking, and going out to help, increasing commitment, gradually becomes a mistake, then what am i supposed to ever be doing?
maybe i overdid it. but even if i didn't?

to think i was actually tearing while trying to put my point across.
to think i was feeling so really sorry for it all.
to think that all that i've been seeing could have been an act.

can everybody just stop acting and be real, true, frank? (applicable to all the shit that's happening in toh's life, my life and quite everybody's life)

why can't humans hate out loud?
why can't humans love out loud?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
why do they just know how to laugh out loud?!

i hate this veryvery artificial society.

y'know, i grow increasingly disillusioned.
what is my role?
idk.
being a leader, how have i been faring?
bad i guess.

conclusion:
it was a mistake to make me what i am today right from the start.


&i hate myself totally for it.


congratulations. you made me feel real bad. really sad. really useless. really convinced that i've been nothing but extra. and that i don't feel like interacting with anyone from the circle right now. because i don't know who's true anymore. i think i should stop harbouring on my stupid belief that we've all been true to one another. cos there's more than enough proof of the situation otherwise. backstabbing for example, has once hurt us all bad enough, if not still hurting, isn't it? we just never liked to bring out those unhappy pasts. i'm really really disillusioned. and i feel cynical.

and get this straight. i'm not flaming you here. i haven't been using vulgarities, i haven't been discriminating you, i haven't been expressing any hard feelings. it's just all facts and personal feelings. i'm just expressing my strong feeling of unhappiness. this is a blog you see. 抒发情绪的好管道. so if you happen to see this, i'm sorry if it offends you. it never meant to.


oh.
i'm quite convinced now that i'm not only a bad leader, i'm a bad friend, bad companion. because all human beings, whether you like it or not, have this dark side that is hidden. either because they don't wish to show it or because they never realised it existed. and all humans are never 100% true. and for that, i direct the same criticisms of fakeness at myself. &if you do the links yourself, i don't make a good companion. maybe you think otherwise, but this is what i derive from my currently ultra-mega serious disillusioned-distorted logic.

just as the disillusion applies to the world, it too applies to myself.
if i say wth is wrong with the world, i also mean wth is wrong with myself. ironical? i think not. i'm really tired. :f
i'm really disillusioned.

when will this ever stop.

squeaked.
10:46 PM
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